the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
