Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
