So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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