Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
