just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
