dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
