I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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