I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
