She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
