I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
