The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
