MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
