So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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