Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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