wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
