so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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