Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
