What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
