I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
