She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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