Already got asked if we're dating
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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