Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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