all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
