like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
