She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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