I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He felt like a one man threesome
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
