Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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