Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
porn star boner night. come get it.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
