So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
