Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
