I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
