Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Randomize
