I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
