i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
