Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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