you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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