So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
