I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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