I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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