sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
