My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
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You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
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also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
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