wrigley field is MILF paradise
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
