I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
