Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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