i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
And then he peed in my hair
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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