I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
