Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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