allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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