you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
