on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
