Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
