I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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