She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
