Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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