Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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