I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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