White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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