party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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