So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
